Discerning The Call

Why I haven't been here

2006-12-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

First of all, to the person who sent me a comment saying they would like to talk about these issues, I put some contact info in the comments of the last post so check that out and shoot me an email and we will talk!

I haven't been here for a while because I have had some events in my life show me where I need to go, at least for now, and it isn't towards the priesthood. I haven't met anyone or anything like that, but it just feels like Psychology is where I need to be right now. I am sorry that I didn't post it here, it just slipped my mind.

I will try to come back and post every now and again just so you all know what is up in my life or if I feel called back to considering my vocation. The best advice I can give to anyone considering a vocation though is just don't give up on it. Be open to both sides of it, though it is hard, but still live your life and trust that God will lead you. It is hard not knowing what way you should go but if God hasn't told you yet, then you are doing your job by searching for the answer. Don't give up, strive to be the best you can be every day, and be aware of how God moves you. Your emotions are important, listen to them, and be open to all opportunities.

Anyways, I hope that helps some. Remember that this is a vocation, it isn't for everyone. If it isn't the priesthood you haven't failed, but rather you have done your job to investigate the possibilities. Part of the reason I didn't post here was I was a bit embarrassed that I had chosen to apply to graduate school, even though I knew that would be what would determine my future. Try not to be like me in that, you can't lose. It is hard being patient and waiting for the moment, but you will learn what God wants if you are open and seeking it. Just don't give up on it and know that God will guide you in all things.

Best advice I can give you...trust in God.

Just checking in

2006-07-26T10:11:00.000-06:00

I don't have very long to write this post unfortunately, but I just feel moved to write it and I feel the need to update you. My retreat went very well and I realized that I was rushing the call a bit; I was trying to make it in my time instead of God's time. Due to this I have really focused on letting go this summer and letting God have some control in my life, which has always been a struggle for me. I have been thinking about the priesthood a lot, however. The decision will come soon, I am a senior this upcomming year and after this year I will have to decide if I am going to go on to graduate school or the seminary. Honestly, some of the decision may be made by if I get into graduate school or not, but I figure that that is a place where God can guide me. I have the grades and test scores to get into most of the schools I plan on applying to, but that doesn't mean that I will. If I don't get into graduate school, I will probably take it as a sign that it is not the place where I am meant to be because I have done everything I was supossed to do to get in. If I do get in, I will just have to look at my options and see what feels right, you know?

I wish there was an easier way to come up with a decision on this issue, and I wish I had a better way of figuring this out (because mine seems like it is determined by chance almost) but I guess I just have to trust in God and trust that He will lead me.

Anyways, this is not my finest post by any stretch but I wanted to let you all know that I am doing well and still thinking about the vocation. I just have been very busy and forgot about my blog for a while! I will try to post more thoughts soon!

Just about time for my retreat

2006-06-11T22:43:00.000-06:00

It is just about time for me to go on my retreat and hopefully figure some things out, which I really could use right now. The problem I am running into is it feels like I am running three different lives at once because I am preparing three different paths and I have no idea what path I am going to choose. For the last week I have been studying like mad to prepare for my GRE which will be vital for getting into graduate school in psychology. I have also thought about applying to a few business schools in case I want to follow in my father's footsteps and becoming an accountant. Last, but not least (it just happened that I mentioned it last since I am going to talk about it for a while) is vocation. Depending on what I figure out on the retreat I am planning on getting in touch with vocations in my Archdiocese and ask about what is required to apply to the seminary and when I would need to give them a final decision. I have no idea how I am going to make this decision but I guess I just have to count on God guiding me; if I am meant to become a priest I am not the only one willing it, so I will let God help. It is something I still don't do enough of!

I thought a lot about vocation at Mass today and it was really beautiful; I can't tell you how much I enjoyed being in that church and picturing me being that priest. I also thought about what I think I am meant to do if I become a priest and I think I have decided (unless I feel called differently in the future) that I don't want to be like many of the priests are at Notre Dame where yes they are priests but in a lot of ways they are just average professors. If God wants that for me I will accept it but I feel called to something else if I become a priest. It just feels to me that I can become a professor if that is what God is calling me to do instead of be both a priest and professor, but if I am going to be a priest then I need to do something that I couldn't do otherwise, you know? Right now I am leaning towards Diocesan just because I am too chicken to want to go abroad (I am a wuss, but obviously I would do what I was told to under obedience) but at the same time I want to be the person people call both at the best of times and at the worst of times. When I picture myself as a priest I don't picture myself giving a lecture but I picture myself bringing people the Eucharist, administering final rights, baptizing children, marrying couples, but also being at the funerals. When I think of what I feel called to be I feel like I am being called to be that person that people come to no matter what, that is what feels right at this point. I also recognize and appreciate the work that a lot of orders are doing overseas (some of the steps being made in Africa especially have amazed me) but I feel like we need a lot of help, perhaps more help, here at home and that is leading me right now to the Diocesan priesthood, but everything is up in the air. Heck, I may go to psychology graduate school.

The fear I have with this is that I will get through graduate school and have my Ph.D in Psychology and then will decide that I want to be a priest. I don't want that. I feel like I need to make this decision soon but I guess I haven't quite hit that point where I know what I am going to do. Perhaps I just need to make a jump one way or another and see how it feels, I am not sure. Either way, I hope that this retreat helps guide me in the way to go. The one thing I do know is that I spent the whole day today thinking about discernment and how the idea of being a priest felt to me and it felt better than it had in years. It is something I really need to think about because there was just something about today that felt very right, if you know what I meant.

Well, I best leave it there as I will never get to sleep otherwise but please keep me in your prayers as I make this eight day silent retreat with my Dad. It should be interesting!

Just doing some reflecting

2006-03-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

Here I am at another midterm exam season (which at Notre Dame are almost as bad as finals, very stressful) and I wonder what on earth I am doing. Is this all worth it? I am killing myself for a grade (in most of my classes the cutoff for an A is a 95) and wondering if I should drop a class just because I have a B+ in it and I wonder how I got to this place. What good am I doing for others this Lenten season or what good am I doing for myself. Yes, I am doing the kinds of things that psych graduate school wants me to do but at what price. I am not doing a lot of these things for me, I am doing them for psych graduate school. I am doing them because I know they will only take a couple grad students out of the hundreds of applicants. Nevertheless, why am I doing htis for them? Why am I stressing over a B+ in Developmental Psychology? As one of my old high school teachers would ask me is an A going to get you to heaven? I highly doubt it.

The question is my ultimate end. If I am meant to be a psychologist and that is where I will achieve my greatest potential and that is where God envisions me then yes, it is worth it. If it isn't, however, then I wonder if I have gone nuts. God has given me a great gift for psychology becuase it is something that I truly love and am very good at. It is a gift, but I wonder if my gift is of psychology or is it rather a gift of understanding people?

I know that stress is part of paying my dues and that I am going to go through the same types of things no matter if I am studying psychology or studying for the priesthood. What I am wondering is is psychology the place where God wants to use me, where I can make the biggest difference, or is it the priesthood.

Another debate I have gone through is my worthiness of the calling if that is in fact what this is. I have friends who are going into the priesthood and they are very active in Right to Life and are servers at the Basilica and basically do all of the extracurriculars that you would expect of someone with the call. It is almost like what I have been doing for psychology. Yet, I am not a server at the Basilica (I used to serve though, I did until 12th grade but just didn't keep it up in college) and I am a mere member of Right to Life who makes it to meetings here or there. I go to more daily Masses than not but...I don't know. Maybe it is my graduate school focus but I just feel like a vocations person would look at my file and think that I am not genuine because I haven't done all of these things. Should I do all of these things or is it alright to search behind the scenes?

Next year is when I apply to psychology graduate school and having watched my friends' outcomes I know there is a very good chance I don't get in anywhere. It isn't that I am a poor student, just that it is very hard to get in out of undergrad. Then the question is what I do next, do I go to a masters program, go to do research for two years, or go and try out the seminary? I have no idea what the answer is to this question but if my studies are going to take a break I may as well try the seminary, perhaps I will find it is the place I need to be. I just worry about not really wanting to be a server here, at this point I am content sitting in the pews. I just don't know what that means, if anything.

I Have Been Bad...

2006-02-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

No, not in that way, I actually have kept my nose clean lately and I haven't felt nearly the temptations I used to, so I thank God for that. The problem I have run into is that school takes over my life and I don't do the things I should do. I know I wrote about the spiritual advisor...never did it. It doesn't take much effort at all on my part but I just get going and then I lose track of everything. I seem to do this quite a bit honestly, and not just with matters of priesthood. On the bright side, I am setup to go on a 8-day silent retreat with my father and I have told them that I am discerning my vocation so I am hoping that will help. I just need to get out of the world, get out of my busy life, and to take some time to just be quiet and listen to God. I need time to just decompress and truly look at where my life is and where I am going so I am really looking forward to my retreat. I am going to try to build in more time in my daily life for such reflection as well (and hopefully that means I will write in here more but no guarantees) so we will see what happens.

I am still struggling with just trusting God in my life. We had a great homily on this tonight at Mass where the priest talked about sometimes we just have to stop fighting and go with God and let Him guide you because he will not guide me wrong. The problem is at this point I am not 100% sure how to do this. I am really split and not sure if I am called to the priesthood or marriage, so I don't know if I should actively pursue one or the other or if I should just live my life and see what happens. As I think I brought up before I am going to have a major life-changing moment coming up next year in applying to graduate school in psychology. The reason this is major and life-changing is because graduate school is a huge commitment and also extremely difficult to get into. I do have a first choice program but beyond that I don't have all that I am really all that passionate about. If I get into my first choice program I may interpret it as that is the way God is leading me. However, if I don't, then I may take it as a sign that I need to take a year and go into the seminary and see if that is right for me or not. Furthermore, if I do go to graduate school, then I am essentially signing up for 7 years of training. Yes I could go into the priesthood after but I would lose a lot of time. Either way it is going to change my life. I just don't know how much I should read into what happens and I don't know if at this point I just need to go and live my life and trust that God will guide me.

I am going to try to remember to call the spiritual advisor next week (fingers crossed on that). I think that I am just going to go through life and let God be in charge of telling me where I should go (though it may take a bit to get my attention). If I meet someone special or I get into grad school then that tells me one thing or if I don't perhaps that tells me something else. I am not going to worry about it other than at times like this when I analyze where I am going...I am just going to follow. Please pray for me and pray that when God does guide me that I may be receptive to it and also may recognize his hand in it.

Spiritual Advisor

2005-12-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

This week I went in and talked to Fr. Russeau in the vocations office about my decision to not enter Old College at this point as well as what I was feeling. He reassured me that the doubts that I have are normal and just part of the process becuase I am looking at making a major decision! He recommended that I get in touch with one of their spiritual directors, which I plan on doing over break, and hopefully that will help me find out what my vocation is. I hope so; I need all the help I can get.

Holy Cross has been wonderful about helping me whenever they can (though they aren't the most prompt people, but still, that happens when you work at a school). I definately am strongly thinking about Holy Cross but I am also going to try to keep in mind that there are a lot of other religious orders out there and also remember that my spiritual advisor will be associated with Holy Cross so there could be some bias. Not to say that is a bad thing, it is like how I am when I talk about Notre Dame and it is just natural. I just have to make sure that I find the right fit if priesthood is the right thing for me.

IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF A DIFFERENT ORDER and you think there is a book (or books) out there that may lead me towards your order please comment on this post and tell me. I am going to make a big book purchase with any Christmas money I get (I am such a nerd) and I will be sure to incude your suggestions as long as I have the means to do so. I just want to read all that is out there so that hopefully something will click and I will know, you know? I know there will probably always be doubt but I don't want to go into this ignorant in any way. I know there are lots of great orders out there that I haven't been exposed to and I am asking for your help in helping me get that exposure so I can make the proper choice.

Thank you all for reading this and God Bless all of you! I hope you all have a great Advent and Christmas season (not sure when my next post will be). Also, please pray for me as I am currently going through final exams!

Confused

2005-12-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

Here I sit watching CBS's documentary on Pope John Paul II's life and also looking through some pictures that a friend who recently entered the seminary. Actually, I have several friends whom recently entered the seminary which definately has me thinking. I look at them in admiration knowing well the choice that they are making and the sacrificies they are making.

It isn't that I am necessarily scared to make this step, I don't think that is it, but the problem is that I have such conflicted feelings. At times like now I feel so ready and so strongly becoming a priest, and I want it so badly. However, there are other times when I feel so strongly and so ready to become a psychologist and to one day have a family. It isn't that I am afraid because I would love to know what I should do either way. My problem is that I feel both so strongly and clearly and that it is hard to know what I should do.

Please pray for clarity and for me to have patience because I want to make a jump so badly when I suppose that perhaps God is just telling me I must be patient. I am confused, but if there is one thing I know it is that I have to put this in God's hands and know that he will guide me, and in that I trust. It is just so hard to sit on these feelings and let God.

No Holy Cross For A Year

2005-11-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

Today was my deadline to let Holy Cross know if I wanted to apply for the Old College program my senior year, and after a lot of thought, I decided I should not apply for the program. It just didn't feel right yet.

There were several factors that led to the decision. First of all, it is my senior year at Notre Dame, and that is an odd time to start something as serious as Old College. It just sounds better to me to finish my senior year and then apply for candidate year if that is where God leads me. Secondly, my spiritual life isn't quite where I would like it to be yet. While it has come a long way and I am doing much better than I once was, I do not feel like I have good enough control over my impulses as of yet. I won't go into much detail but you can imagine. I just need to get further control over the impulses that lead to sin (which is coming slowly but surely) and I wouldn't feel appropriate until I have that under control. I know we all sin but if I am discerning something as serious as the priesthood, and thinking about that sacrifice, I want to be living as morally as I can. I should be doing that anyways as a practicing Catholic. Anyways, pray for me on that, pray that God gives me strength! The last reason I have decided now is not the time is that a girl has come into my life and I am not sure if it is a message from God or not, but it got my attention. Once I enter I am not allowed to have serious relationships (which just makes sense) so having a girl come into my life plays a role. I don't want to make it sound like that big of a part of the decision, it isn't a major part, but I want to be open to God's will no matter what that is.

This discernment stuff is too difficult sometimes! It is hard to be open to God's call when the two are mutually exclusive. It seems like I can go investigating the priesthood but then I am not investigating the possibility that God wants me to marry. Then again, I can date but not be open to the priesthood, you know?

I am not sure if the logic is sound but at this time in my life it just feels like I should date in order to try to figure out what option is the right one for me. One would think that part of having a true vocation to the priesthood is that the right girl wouldn't come along, so in dating you can partially discern as well. Furthermore, age is going to become a factor much faster for relationships than it will for the priesthood. I am 20 right now so I should have at least 15 years before I would have to enter the seminary (though I want to enter as soon as I can once I know that is where I should be) but if I am in the seminary I definately could miss out on the right girl, you know, UGH!!!

The problem in all of this, now that I look back over this post, is that I am not trusting God and letting go. I know that Old College doesn't quite feel right yet, so I will go with that, but this is rediculous. Why am I trying to do this on my own? Look at all of this above, this is what happens when you try to do this on your own. I am going to turn this over to God, stop worrying about it, and go to bed! It is his vocation for me; while I will be open to it, I will let him figure out how to get it through my dense head! God, please let me know your will and help it be obvious enough that I have no need to doubt your will. Also, help me to turn my problems over to you, for you can handle them much better than I can. Amen!

Bring Back The "Catholic" University

2005-11-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

Alright, this has nothing to do with discernment, but it has to do with being Catholic, so I am going to post it anyways. As you probably know by now, I attend the University of Notre Dame, which is known as one of (if not the) finest universities in the world. I am proud to go here and I love Notre Dame; it was my dream school and I am very happy to be here. However, over the last few days, I really have been wishing I was at a school like Franciscan University. In my mind, Franciscan is what a Catholic university should be like but for some reason I didn't look at it much out of high school, probably mainly because they weren't really strong in my major. While Notre Dame has flashes of brilliance, and has such an opportunity, it just seems like in a lot of ways we are becomming like everyone else. We are the home of Fr. McBrien (who I am amazed is allowed to teach anything Catholic), the Queer Film Festival, and the Vagina Monologues (both of which play annually).

The University has such great promise; it is 85% Catholic and most of those Catholics are practicing. Yet, there is so much sinful behavior (not to say I am not guilty too, I am a sinner) and a lot of intemperance and it just makes me wish that I was at Franciscan at times. I don't want to seem cold-hearted to anyone but we are a Catholic university, so why do we allow people to build a closet on the quad for National Coming Out Week? Why do we allow the university to sponsor Vagina Monologues and Queer Film Festival? WHY? Is it because that is the PC thing to do nowadays? Is it because that is what a top-20 ranked university should do? Is it intellectual freedom? I came to Notre Dame because in my mind it was the absolute finest Catholic univeristy in the nation. I just don't understand, now that I am here, why we don't follow Catholic teachings. If I wanted the QFF and the VMs I could have gone to Berkeley, I would have been accepted. I could have stayed in-state and gone to the University of Colorado. Instead I came to the University of Notre Dame with the hopes that I would grow in my faith. I have, I won't say I haven't, but it could be so much more. We have such promise, and we do have some great departments (such as the center for Ethics and Culture and our Philosophy and Theology departments) which are by and large very good and very Catholic (minus McBrien). Why can't the rest of the University be the same?

We recently had a president transition with Fr. Malloy leaving office and Fr. Jenkins coming into power. There is a lot of hope for change on campus with Fr. Jenkins who seems much more orthodox and frankly conservative than Fr. Malloy who did and let some questionable things happen under his watch. Let's hope and pray that Fr. Jenkins can bring ND back to where it belongs.

ND is not the only one, "Catholic" schools all over the nation are falling into the trap of secularism. This may give my identity away a bit, but I will tell you that I started at Creighton University and transferred to the University of Notre Dame. Creighton is a Jesuit school in the Midwest that to me was much worse off than Notre Dame. Other than the Cathedral on campus and Philosophy and Theology requirements you really couldn't tell it was a Catholic school. I am lucky enough here at ND to be able to go to daily Mass as the Mass times are based on the students and we have Mass in the dorms. However, at Creighton I never could make daily Mass because there was Mass in only one of the dorms (and the Cathedral of course) and the times were horrible for the students. Creighton also had a Sunday "microwave" Mass for those who just couldn't go to Mass for a whole hour, but I will leave that discussion for another day. Creighton is one of the better Jesuit schools; when you look at Boston College and Georgetown especially you have to wonder how they can call themselves Catholic (mainly Georgetown).

I don't know, I just don't like the way the Catholic universities are headed. Why is it that there are only a handful (or maybe only one) Catholic universities which are really true to the church? I guess at least we have Franciscan University; I wish more were like it and at times I really wish I were there. Oh well, I hope to be able to teach there should I receive my Ph.D in Psychology (the plan if I don't become a priest).

Pray that Pope Benedict will help get these Catholic universities in line because if not, then soon they will become like so many universities that are Catholic only in name.

Please be patient

2005-11-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

I know I have been bad at updating this but it is because not much has changed in my life and school has taken over my life :(. Oh well, that is what I get for going to Notre Dame. Hang in there and I will hopefully be back soon with this!

It has been a while!

2005-10-13T22:47:00.000-06:00

It has been quite a while since I last posted on here, mainly because school has literally taken over my life! I am taking a full load plus doing research for psychology and it just has kept me very busy. However, I have completed my three midterms (which all happened to be today) and so finally the stress is off for a bit and I have a little time to post and tell you what has been going on in my life.

I have met with Holy Cross several more times, once to visit Old College and once for Corby Night. Old College is essentially a pre-seminary program for undergraduate students at Notre Dame. One of my options is to join Old College for my senior year and then decide if I want to go on to the seminary or not. I am still tossing this idea around in my mind, some days it sounds better than on other days, but it is definately an option. I am also tempted to wait on this decision until I graduate from Notre Dame, but then I may be tempted to go straight into psychology graduate school.

Fr. Monnig, SJ also replied to my last post and offered his help with questions I may be facing and I certainly appreciate that. Right now I am open to all of the orders or diocesan priesthood (where I started looking) just because I am not sure where God wants me or if God wants me to be a priest. I have been blessed to have 5 years of Jesuit education and I do greatly respect the Jesuits but I just haven't felt the connection I feel with Holy Cross with them (but then again I may not have given them a chance). I definately will give the Jesuits a look and see what they have to offer, especially since Holy Cross is dropping the ball a bit.

I really like Holy Cross and if they pushed the issue I think that Old College would be a slam dunk but instead I have been pulling teeth with them (I think because of the person in charge of vocations, though I love him as a person). It took several emails and phone calls before I ever got vocations to get in touch with me for a meeting and since then there have been several occasions where they have told me they would get in touch and frankly haven't. I know they are busy, I am busy, but still... While Holy Cross has felt right I am not ignoring the fact that they have had problems getting back to me because it could be a sign and God works in mysterious ways. I just am tired of chasing them and it makes it harder to desire to be a part of their community when they don't return phone calls!

So, now that we got that over with, where am I now? I had a stage for a few days where I fell back into my old habits but have since repented and am once again on the right path, thank God. I have been going to daily Mass all school year and it really has been a blessing to me. It is funny, at the beginning I essentially had to force myself to go to daily Mass and now I really can't stay away. This whole week I had midterms and I was busy beyond belief, but I couldn't stay away from Mass. I told myself that I had too much work to go, but yet I decide 5 minutes before that I am going. I am constantly reminded of what Mother Teresa said in that she goes to Eucharistic Adoration for an hour a day and when she doesn't have time to she goes for two. I kind of feel the same way; I know that I have time and God will help me get what I need to do done so I go.

The other benefit is that there are some amazing people that go to daily Mass that I truly feel blessed to get to know. We almost are our own little family; those who go to daily Mass, and I think that is cool. It is always good to have good Catholic friends, I don't have enough of them.

It is funny, I am in a way not looking forward to going home for Fall Break because I know that I will probably not get to go to daily Mass. That is truly how much I look forward to it, it has just become part of my routine and I love it. However, I am going home without my car so I will be stranded, but I will somehow work everything out. I just will miss the Chapel and the Masses; ahh, it is so great being at Notre Dame. I have a chapel and three priests in my dorm; what a blessing!

One last tangent; how cool would it be to have God act through you at the Consecration as the priest has happen? How cool is it to bring our Savior to those who truly need it and being that person in between them and God? The blessing of being able to bring the sacraments to God's people really appeals to me because it is such a blessing. In addition, you get to become such a central part of so many different families and you mean so much to so many people, ahh, I love the thought. There are hardships, there are trials, and there is a lot you have to give up, but being a priest must be such a blessing! I just pray that soon I will truly know my vocation and follow it and if it is to be the priesthood that God helps me pick the proper order and give me the strength that I need to follow Him. Ahh, what a gift that vocation would be.

Met with the Congregation of the Holy Cross

2005-09-01T22:21:00.000-06:00

I met with the Congregation of Holy Cross yesterday to talk about my vocation a bit. In case you are not familiar with it, the Congregation of the Holy Cross is the religious order who runs the University of Notre Dame, as well as the University of Portland and a few other universities. Since I am at Notre Dame, meeting with them was very easy and it is really convenient because everything is here. I didn't meet with them for that reason, however, but I met with them because something felt right about it. I have been through five years of Jesuit education (4 in hs, 1 in college before transferring to ND) and I never had any desire to join the Jesuits. Perhaps that is because I lean so strongly to the right, I am not sure, but I just had no interest in them. Holy Cross has felt much better to me, however, so I thought that I would meet with them and see what my options are. Even though it used to be against the rules, the rules have recently changed enabling me to enter Old College (which is for undergraduate students considering Holy Cross) for just my senior year, since I am already a junior. I am strongly considering doing so because I really want to figure out if the priesthood is for me once and for all.

I am really strongly thinking about Holy Cross, however. They are a great group of guys and I really felt comfortable with the idea of possibly going into Old College, even though I have never been able to see myself as an ordered priest. I always have pictured myself as a parish priest, not as a member of an order. However, at this point, I am just trying to let God guide me to where I should be. The fact that I felt not only comfortable but truly good about Holy Cross after my meeting with them tells me that perhaps this is where I should be? Well, I don't know if I should say that yet, but I will at least look into it more and see if it is for me. Please keep praying for me as I will have to decide in the near future as to if I wish to apply for Old College, and the application for doing so is a lot of work (nearly 30 page application, essay, psychological evaluation, etc). God Bless!

Steps In The Right Direction

2005-08-28T16:51:00.000-06:00

Well, here I am back at the University of Notre Dame, my home away from home, and I am happy to report that I am making steps in the right direction. One of the major steps was getting housing to agree to let me switch roommates (which I still have to wait 2.5 weeks on) because I was randomly assigned to a roommate who definately does not share my same morals or values and I just can't be around that right now. In addition to doing this, I have been attending daily Mass ever since I got on campus and praying much more frequently. Has it made a big difference in my life as of yet, well, it is hard to say. It hasn't been an earthshattering change but I do see God more present in my life. He has strengthened me, I feel that, but along with that the temptations have gotten stronger. Yet, the one time I very nearly went back on one of my goals, God saved me. One of my major sources of sin is the computer, honestly, and one of my goals has been to keep my surfing activities pure. Well, I was about to go back on this commitment, even went as far as going to the website, but as soon as I did the website went down so I could not go there. As soon as that happened I quickly recognized my sin and quickly closed the window and I thanked God for forcefully stopping me.

In addition to trying to be more pure and going to Mass more, I have also been in touch with the vocations office here at Notre Dame, as I do have some interest in the Holy Cross order as well and would like to find out more about them. I am having a meeting with vocations sometime next week so please keep me in your prayers as I go through that. In addition, I ask you to pray for me that I may become more pure and become the man that God wants me to be. Also, that I may have the strength to give God whatever he wants from me, including my life if he wishes, since it is his life after all and not my own.

Overall things are still progressing forward and I just hope that they keep moving in a positive direction. Please pray for me!

Doing Much Better Today

2005-07-31T23:11:00.000-06:00

Though I have had my failings yet again today, I can tell that I am doing much better than I was just 24 hours ago. I feel a fire in my heart that I haven't felt in a long time, and it is great to feel it. I know the answer to my problems is giving my life to God, it is his after all, but it is so hard to do. I think I am ready, however, I am tired of being mediocre; I want to live for Christ more and try to get through these stupid failings that have haunted me for years.

Two songs have really been helping me today. The main one is "Here I Am" by Rebecca St. James. It is an old song, and appears to be partially influenced by the song "Here I Am Lord." Listen to the words, or read the lyrics, of "Here I Am" and you will see why it is touching me. Another one is "Brave" by Nichole Nordeman. The fire in my heart is making me braver and helping me finally release my sins, or at least I hope. I know I will fail, I always have and always will, but I want to beat this with the help of God. I want to put this on his shoulders so I don't have to worry about it. Maybe if I do that I will feel somewhat worthy enough to follow his call if it is to the priesthood. I know no one is ever worthy enough, we are human, but I need to get closer than I am and I want to get closer than I am.

I want to live an extrordinary life, and I feel that I am called to do so. Only time will tell how I am called to do so, however. Keep praying for me!

Temptations Abound

2005-07-30T21:59:00.000-06:00

Why is it that when you make the decision that you are going to clean up your life after you fail the same temptations come back stronger than ever? Why is it that there is so much temptation in this world? It is so hard to live a pure life now, not to say it wasn't hard 50 years from now, but so much harder now. Sex is everywhere, and you have 12, 13, 14 year old girls wearing things that in the past you couldn't show on television. Something has changed, and I am not sure what it is, but I don't like the way we are going. That is a different blog, however, this is about me. I am trying to fight through these temptations, though I fail quite often and I have to return to Jesus to ask for forgiveness. I think I had a bit of a breakthrough at Mass tonight, however. I realized that even though I pray for strength, I always take my burden upon myself. I am always the one trying to manage my temptations and trying to prevent my sins, and I am not strong enough... no one is. I need to hand all of my problems and temptations over to Jesus and let him take care of them, because he is strong enough. I am not quite sure how to do this, I am so used to going on my own and in a way apprehensive to give up my sins (strange how that is isn't it) but I know that I must move on and let him handle them if I am ever to become the person that God wants me to be.

My personal struggles again bring up the issue of me not feeling worthy. I know no one is worthy of this call, but still, how can you preach about something that you strugle with too? I know I have time to figure that out and maybe the preaching will just be an added reason for me to live a cleaner life, I don't know, but what I do know is that I have a lot of work to do before I can lead my fellow Catholics.

Speaking of leading my fellow Catholics (and Christians as well), I think that is a harder job than ever, I really do. We have a ton of moral relativists who don't or won't follow the teachings of the church. They take what they want and not what they don't and yet still call themselves Catholics or Christians when really they are just giving Catholics and Christians a bad name. I came across a group the other day called "Fornificators for Christ" and it really made me wonder if these people got it at all? Do they understand what Jesus was saying at all? It is hard being a Christian; there is pain and struggle, and I don't know that they understand that. It is a package deal, and while I do not believe God expects us to be perfect, I do believe he expects us to try. Fornificators for Christ; they are like those who told Jesus they wanted to follow him but yet couldn't give up something, and Jesus sent them home. I would love to hear what he would say to them (assuming I am right, but he may be far more merciful than I).

As you probably can tell, I am a pretty strict, conservative Catholic and I do believe there are few exceptions to the rule. I do not believe that everything is a mortal sin, I believe very few are, and I believe that intentions make all the difference in the world. I believe God looks more fondly on the person who keeps failing but repents every time and honestly tries not to repeat the sin than he does on someone who may only rarely repeat a sin but doesn't care that he is sinning. Maybe it is just because I go through cycles where I sin and repent, but that is how I view it.

Alright, enough for my homily tonight (maybe this won't be as hard as I thought).

Living The Vocation

2005-06-24T17:40:00.000-06:00

One of the suggestions given to me by the Head of Vocations for the Archdiocese of Denver was to live my life as if I do have a vocation to the priesthood, not as if I may or may not. He said that if I do this then either doors will open or close to me and through these doors I will be able to determine my vocation. I have really tried to follow his advice and live the vocation but it is so hard because of my sinful nature. I make a lot of mistakes, I have sins I continue to fall into, and while I keep praying to God to make me stronger I still have these struggles. I believe I am slowly getting better and slowly getting stronger but for now I keep sinning and it drives me nuts. I don't understand how I could ever possibly lead the flock as Jesus did if I have these struggles. I know it is something I need to pray about more because I need strengthened.

I ran into my confirmation sponsor the other day and I got to talk to her briefly and during the conversation I told her that right now I am leaning towards going into the seminary after Notre Dame. When I told her that her face lit up and she told me that she knew I would. It seems like a lot of people have a lot more confidence in this than I do; not that that is neccesarily a bad thing. I am selfish and am not sure I want to give up the things I would have to give up to be a priest, even though numerous people have told me how good of a priest I would be. I have had people who don't even know me come up and ask me about the priesthood, and some of these people don't even know that I am Catholic. I don't know if this is just God trying to get through my thick head or what but I just hope that I will eventually have the confidence in this call that others seem to have for me. I want to be sure this is right for me, however, not right because others think that it is right for me.

As I mentioned earlier, I am hoping that either doors will open or close to help me find my way through this. The big door that is coming up will be psych grad school admissions. At the end of my senior year I will be applying to Ph.D programs across the nation and what happens with those applications may affect what I do with my life. The recent trend is that psych programs are accepting fewer and fewer students right out of undergrad with many of them now wanting you to spend a few years in the real world first. Due to this, it is very possible that I may be rejected by most if not all the programs I apply to even if my grades and research are where they need to be. If this were to happen, I think it would be hard to keep me away from the seminary. Really, I think I want to go to the seminary because I want to figure out if this is right or not; I really want to know for sure. The problem I may run into, however, is what do I do if I do get into a really good Ph.D program? Do I go or do I not go and risk not getting in again? I know I have a long time until I have to decide, and I could even complete my Ph.D and then go into the seminary, but I just feel like I need to make this decision. If I wait until I am 30 to go into the seminary, then I have given up 8 or so years where God could have been using me for his will. Ugh, I have no idea what I am going to do.

The sad thing is I think it is apparent what I should do, and I know that. However, I am stubborn, I am selfish, and I don't have enough trust in God yet. Again, I need to pray more because I am weak. "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains." I must really not have much faith, but I hope that it will grow in me by the time I have to make this decision. I am just so afraid to give up my life for Jesus, though that is what he did for me. I don't know why I am afraid, since I will be happy if this is the right decision, but it scares me. Please pray for me that I may overcome this fear.

Origin

2005-06-13T02:17:00.000-06:00

Well, this is where it all begins. I hope you all will forgive me for any gramatical errors I make in this blog as I am sure I will be typing it late at night, as it is after 2 AM and I am just starting it now. Typical college student, huh? My hope for this blog is that it will help me discern God's call in my life so that I know if I should proceed to graduate school in Psychology after I graduate from college or if I should enter the seminary. Futhermore, I hope that others may find this blog and help me through this process through their comments (which are always encouraged). Lastly, I hope that this blog can help people understand why someone in this day and age would want to become a Catholic priest and possibly help others discern their own call to the priesthood.

Where to start? No, I am not some psycho Catholic who does nothing wrong; I have plenty of faults and I have my own struggles with sin. If anything, I am not worthy of this call, it isn't that I feel that I neccesarily would make a good priest. I think I could be a good priest in time, but I think I have a long ways to go! This also isn't something that I neccesarily have wanted or have planned for, it just is something that won't go away. If it were solely up to me I would just go for my Ph.D in Psychology and somewhere along the line hopefully find the right woman and get married and start a family; that is how I have pictured my future and that is what I have planned for. I have been doing all the right things to position myself for graduate school and I will continue to do so as I am yet unsure of what turns God has planned for my life.

So if I don't neccesarily want to be a priest and I feel I am unworthy of this calling, why would I ever consider being a priest? If it were up to us we probably wouldn't have any priests, the Catholic priesthood is a very hard thing to choose because of all you have to give up. You give up your life essentially to God to serve him and his people and while I don't want to overstate the sacrifice (as you obviously still have a lot of freedom) there is a lot that you do give up. Anyways, back to the point... this is not a ministry that you choose but rather it chooses you (at least in my case). I could go on, become a psychologist, and be perfectly happy but something just doesn't feel right with that. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced something similar, but my call is like this annoying little voice in my head that won't go away. I don't want to say my call is a bad thing, it isn't, it very well may be God's will in my life and if it is I will follow it. What I am saying is it is not neccesarily what we want (or think we want) but rather it is what we are called to do. It may not be our own choice for our lives, but it may be God's choice, and as such we must follow if we want to be truly happy in life. I know this isn't clear but I can go into the calling more if you wish, just post in the comments section.

The priesthood is something I have felt called to for years; really as far back as I can remember. I know my call started in grade school and it was just something that grew with me, even when I didn't want it. I wanted my freedom, I wanted to do what I wanted, and I often tried to ignore this feeling within me telling me that I may need to be a priest. I really feel sorry for the Archdiocese of Denver who has had to put up with me because I keep succombing to the call, getting in contact with them, and then deciding it wasn't for me. I can't even tell you how many times I have told them that it isn't for me and to get out of my life; it is several. I know that is harsh but I told you, I have fought this call. I thought about entering the seminary out of high school but the timing just didn't feel right, maybe due to my own stubborness, I am not sure. Either way, I went to college and made my share of mistakes; once again ignoring my call. Yet, I have finally gotten to the point where I can't keep fighthing but rather I need to start exploring this possibility; I need to know once and for all if I am meant to be a priest. Even though this may not be how I pictured my life, I need to know if this is what God fashioned me to be.

I want to invite you on this journey with me. I will try to keep this blog updated fairly frequently with my journey as I explore the idea of becoming a priest as well as read the many books which the Archdiocese gave me in my last meeting with them. Please forgive me if there are gaps of time in my journal, it is just because I have gotten really busy with school (Notre Dame can do that to you) or once again I am fighting my possible calling. Either way, I will be back soon, I always have been. This is something I must investigate and I won't be able to go on until I know. I look forward to being on this journey with you; please feel free to post any comments or questions in the comments section and I will do what I can to answer them as I go on.