No Holy Cross For A Year

Today was my deadline to let Holy Cross know if I wanted to apply for the Old College program my senior year, and after a lot of thought, I decided I should not apply for the program. It just didn't feel right yet.

There were several factors that led to the decision. First of all, it is my senior year at Notre Dame, and that is an odd time to start something as serious as Old College. It just sounds better to me to finish my senior year and then apply for candidate year if that is where God leads me. Secondly, my spiritual life isn't quite where I would like it to be yet. While it has come a long way and I am doing much better than I once was, I do not feel like I have good enough control over my impulses as of yet. I won't go into much detail but you can imagine. I just need to get further control over the impulses that lead to sin (which is coming slowly but surely) and I wouldn't feel appropriate until I have that under control. I know we all sin but if I am discerning something as serious as the priesthood, and thinking about that sacrifice, I want to be living as morally as I can. I should be doing that anyways as a practicing Catholic. Anyways, pray for me on that, pray that God gives me strength! The last reason I have decided now is not the time is that a girl has come into my life and I am not sure if it is a message from God or not, but it got my attention. Once I enter I am not allowed to have serious relationships (which just makes sense) so having a girl come into my life plays a role. I don't want to make it sound like that big of a part of the decision, it isn't a major part, but I want to be open to God's will no matter what that is.

This discernment stuff is too difficult sometimes! It is hard to be open to God's call when the two are mutually exclusive. It seems like I can go investigating the priesthood but then I am not investigating the possibility that God wants me to marry. Then again, I can date but not be open to the priesthood, you know?

I am not sure if the logic is sound but at this time in my life it just feels like I should date in order to try to figure out what option is the right one for me. One would think that part of having a true vocation to the priesthood is that the right girl wouldn't come along, so in dating you can partially discern as well. Furthermore, age is going to become a factor much faster for relationships than it will for the priesthood. I am 20 right now so I should have at least 15 years before I would have to enter the seminary (though I want to enter as soon as I can once I know that is where I should be) but if I am in the seminary I definately could miss out on the right girl, you know, UGH!!!

The problem in all of this, now that I look back over this post, is that I am not trusting God and letting go. I know that Old College doesn't quite feel right yet, so I will go with that, but this is rediculous. Why am I trying to do this on my own? Look at all of this above, this is what happens when you try to do this on your own. I am going to turn this over to God, stop worrying about it, and go to bed! It is his vocation for me; while I will be open to it, I will let him figure out how to get it through my dense head! God, please let me know your will and help it be obvious enough that I have no need to doubt your will. Also, help me to turn my problems over to you, for you can handle them much better than I can. Amen!