Living The Vocation
One of the suggestions given to me by the Head of Vocations for the Archdiocese of Denver was to live my life as if I do have a vocation to the priesthood, not as if I may or may not. He said that if I do this then either doors will open or close to me and through these doors I will be able to determine my vocation. I have really tried to follow his advice and live the vocation but it is so hard because of my sinful nature. I make a lot of mistakes, I have sins I continue to fall into, and while I keep praying to God to make me stronger I still have these struggles. I believe I am slowly getting better and slowly getting stronger but for now I keep sinning and it drives me nuts. I don't understand how I could ever possibly lead the flock as Jesus did if I have these struggles. I know it is something I need to pray about more because I need strengthened.
I ran into my confirmation sponsor the other day and I got to talk to her briefly and during the conversation I told her that right now I am leaning towards going into the seminary after Notre Dame. When I told her that her face lit up and she told me that she knew I would. It seems like a lot of people have a lot more confidence in this than I do; not that that is neccesarily a bad thing. I am selfish and am not sure I want to give up the things I would have to give up to be a priest, even though numerous people have told me how good of a priest I would be. I have had people who don't even know me come up and ask me about the priesthood, and some of these people don't even know that I am Catholic. I don't know if this is just God trying to get through my thick head or what but I just hope that I will eventually have the confidence in this call that others seem to have for me. I want to be sure this is right for me, however, not right because others think that it is right for me.
As I mentioned earlier, I am hoping that either doors will open or close to help me find my way through this. The big door that is coming up will be psych grad school admissions. At the end of my senior year I will be applying to Ph.D programs across the nation and what happens with those applications may affect what I do with my life. The recent trend is that psych programs are accepting fewer and fewer students right out of undergrad with many of them now wanting you to spend a few years in the real world first. Due to this, it is very possible that I may be rejected by most if not all the programs I apply to even if my grades and research are where they need to be. If this were to happen, I think it would be hard to keep me away from the seminary. Really, I think I want to go to the seminary because I want to figure out if this is right or not; I really want to know for sure. The problem I may run into, however, is what do I do if I do get into a really good Ph.D program? Do I go or do I not go and risk not getting in again? I know I have a long time until I have to decide, and I could even complete my Ph.D and then go into the seminary, but I just feel like I need to make this decision. If I wait until I am 30 to go into the seminary, then I have given up 8 or so years where God could have been using me for his will. Ugh, I have no idea what I am going to do.
The sad thing is I think it is apparent what I should do, and I know that. However, I am stubborn, I am selfish, and I don't have enough trust in God yet. Again, I need to pray more because I am weak. "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains." I must really not have much faith, but I hope that it will grow in me by the time I have to make this decision. I am just so afraid to give up my life for Jesus, though that is what he did for me. I don't know why I am afraid, since I will be happy if this is the right decision, but it scares me. Please pray for me that I may overcome this fear.
I ran into my confirmation sponsor the other day and I got to talk to her briefly and during the conversation I told her that right now I am leaning towards going into the seminary after Notre Dame. When I told her that her face lit up and she told me that she knew I would. It seems like a lot of people have a lot more confidence in this than I do; not that that is neccesarily a bad thing. I am selfish and am not sure I want to give up the things I would have to give up to be a priest, even though numerous people have told me how good of a priest I would be. I have had people who don't even know me come up and ask me about the priesthood, and some of these people don't even know that I am Catholic. I don't know if this is just God trying to get through my thick head or what but I just hope that I will eventually have the confidence in this call that others seem to have for me. I want to be sure this is right for me, however, not right because others think that it is right for me.
As I mentioned earlier, I am hoping that either doors will open or close to help me find my way through this. The big door that is coming up will be psych grad school admissions. At the end of my senior year I will be applying to Ph.D programs across the nation and what happens with those applications may affect what I do with my life. The recent trend is that psych programs are accepting fewer and fewer students right out of undergrad with many of them now wanting you to spend a few years in the real world first. Due to this, it is very possible that I may be rejected by most if not all the programs I apply to even if my grades and research are where they need to be. If this were to happen, I think it would be hard to keep me away from the seminary. Really, I think I want to go to the seminary because I want to figure out if this is right or not; I really want to know for sure. The problem I may run into, however, is what do I do if I do get into a really good Ph.D program? Do I go or do I not go and risk not getting in again? I know I have a long time until I have to decide, and I could even complete my Ph.D and then go into the seminary, but I just feel like I need to make this decision. If I wait until I am 30 to go into the seminary, then I have given up 8 or so years where God could have been using me for his will. Ugh, I have no idea what I am going to do.
The sad thing is I think it is apparent what I should do, and I know that. However, I am stubborn, I am selfish, and I don't have enough trust in God yet. Again, I need to pray more because I am weak. "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains." I must really not have much faith, but I hope that it will grow in me by the time I have to make this decision. I am just so afraid to give up my life for Jesus, though that is what he did for me. I don't know why I am afraid, since I will be happy if this is the right decision, but it scares me. Please pray for me that I may overcome this fear.
posted by Mike | 5:40 PM
1 Comments:
Dear Mike,
I am please to have found your blog (I guess that's what its called) as I was surfing the web on the topic of "call" for a homily to be given on the second Sunday of ordinary time. I am a seminarian at the Washington Theological Union in Washington DC. I too had many misgivings about becoming a religious. I am too am human and fail more than I succeed. I thought that I wasn't holy enough, or that I was too broken as I am a recovering alcoholic. I found that God uses our brokenness and weakness to help proclaim the Kingdom of God. Think of Moses, Abraham, Sarah, the apostles...etc We don't get good and then come to God. It is in the coming to God that we are converted. Christ never demanded conversion but rather that the sinners come to the table and as a result of being in dialogue with Christ they are changed. The same with us. It is important to remember that it is God through Christ and the Holy Spirit that accomplishes conversions and makes all things possible. If I think that I have to be perfect and then I can be a good example I am trying to play God.
When you begin to attend discerment weekends and retreats you will find other men who feel just as doubtful about their call. It is God who gives the gift of a call and our second guessing it blocks God from moving in and through us for the benefit of others. It is really about acquiring some sense of humility in the face of the awesomeness of the Love of God that helps us to be loving servant of the Living God. I also was worried about what I would be giving up. I remember driving in my convertible with the top down and my shirt off on vacation and thinking I will never do this again if I become a religious. I had my perspective backwards. It was not at all about what I was giving up to be in deeper relationship with God and God's people it is in fact a freeing and graced life that we receive as we give our lives more to God. I can't tell you how many times I want to pinch myself and say I can't believe that God lets me do this for his children. I am struck with moments of complete awe at what God has brought into my life since I said yes. This first thing was a total sense of peace at the decision. That's not to say that it is an easy life or without difficulties. It seems that the more I am willing the more I am challenged to give more and the outcome is wonderful. I am truly blessed. Do you know the prayer of paradoxes? It basically ends with the line that "I asked God for all these things that I might enjoy life, and I was given life that I might enjoy all these things. I was given nothing that I asked for but I am among those most richly blessed."
The realm of the spirit and the Christian life is paradoxical. Christ came as a poor child. We have to surrender to live with God...and the list goes on.
I am sorry for rambling on. I do want to let you know that we, the Franciscans of Holy Name Province, will be praying for your vocation.
Peace and all Good
Br. Victor
502-608-3797
1650 St. Camillus Dr
Silver Spring, MD 20903
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